(A3) Chapter 3 Fear

Sheetal found it difficult to bear the keenness of the question in Kuntal’s eyes. She wanted to tell him that Naavika was not his daughter. That she had to terminate the pregnancy to stop the child of an unmarried mother coming into the world. But she could not muster the courage to say this, such was the heat of expectation in Kuntal’s eyes. This is not the place to tell such long stories, she thought. With them standing face-to-face in the parking place of a multi-story apartments and with Naavika waiting in the car and with an expression on Kuntal face that showed how unprepared he was to hear the truth, Sheetal did not feel comfortable about touching the subject. She said, “Please don’t trouble my daughter. She is such an innocent kid!” and walked off. Kuntal took Sheetal’s reply as confirmation that Naavika was his daughter.

When Sheetal reached the car, she found Naavika sitting in the driver’s seat with songs of Saawariya playing on the stereo-player.

“This uncle is so nice mom. He brought me to his house and showed his old photographs. He grew so nostalgic looking at those photos of his youth. He had a story for each photograph,” she went on and on, while Sheetal wondered what would happen if some day Kuntal brought out photos in which she also figures. How would she explain to her husband why they behaved as strangers when Kuntal came to their house for dinner, and why she had not told him of their previous acquaintance with each other.

When Rajesh came in the evening, Sheetal said, “Rajesh, we’ve been living in this same town for years together. Can’t we go to some other place? A somewhat bigger place may be. How long would one stay in the same small town where one can walk from one end to the other in half an hour?”

“But Kurla and Kurla has no branches anywhere else,” said Rajesh. “If we are to go somewhere else, I must change my job. And, then, Naavika’s studies will also be affected.”

Naavika interrupted, “I am not going to leave my friends-circle and go somewhere else. You may go if you wish. I love this town.”

Sheetal found herself living on a razor’s edge. What will be Rajesh’s reaction if he comes to know of the Sheetal-Rohit story, she wondered. One thing she knew. Rajesh was not the type who would bring the kitchen knife and cut her throat. He was the product of a home-turned-school where every emotion of his kid’s life was monitored and measured by his school-teacher-father. The moment he raised his voice, something within him began to snub him. On occasion, when he could not control the anger surging within him, Sheetal had seen the muscles of his face become taught as if the rage spread out into every artery and every nerve and remained there till it gradually dissipated. She was scared of such reactions of Rajesh. She often told him, “I would prefer that you let off your anger through your mouth and allow it to scatter in the air rather than drink it like Lord Siva drinking the poison and becoming blue all over. In anger you become like a high-voltage wire that looks harmless but can devastate”

She knew Rajesh loved her and trusted her. More than even that, he followed the ideals of Hindu marriage he had imbibed from the philosophy of his school-teacher-father. In his thinking there was no place for a relationship with anyone other than your spouse before or after marriage. Marriage was a straight-line relationship that started with the boy and girl going around the holy fire and ended with death. In this tradition, which had come down from a five-thousand-years old past, one did not choose one’s partner. At the appropriate age, you were handed over to your partner if you were a girl, and a partner was handed over to you if you were a boy. And then you either possessed or were possessed with an exclusiveness that admitted of no romantic feelings or fantasies for anyone else. It was a tradition that urged you to treat all members of the opposite sex, other than your partner, as your sister, mother, or daughter, depending upon their age.

If some day Rajesh were to know of the pre-marital relationship between Sheetal and Kuntal, he might be upset for a few days and then accept it as something that was dead and over. Sheetal knew that he had been taught by his school-teacher-father to fit emotions into a bigger perspective and then perceive them for what they were. Sheetal knew for certain that he would not allow emotional reactions to ruin their marriage. And yet she was scared. She was scared of facing a Rajesh who knew that she was not the pure woman he had taken her to be all his married life. She was scared of the moment when he might ask her whether it was true and she would have to say with her own mouth that it was.

She realised that Kuntal no longer seemed interested in her. If he could be convinced that Naavika was not his daughter, he might lose interest in the whole affair and agree to go somewhere else. Sheetal found the present situation so full of tension that she knew she could not continue with it for long. She would collapse sooner than later.

Should she meet Kuntal and tell him about the abortion? Should she request him to take pity on her and leave the town? When could she do this? Kuntal would be in office when her husband was away, and when Kuntal was home, so would be her husband.

She wanted desperately to meet Kuntal and bring her tensions to an end. Then one day around noon the phone bell rang and when she said, “Hello”, the voice at the other end said, “Sheetal, I am Rohit. I want to meet you and talk. Can we meet for lunch in Hotel Takshak?”

“I’ll be there in half an hour,” said Sheetal.

Sheetal opened her wardrobe to select the dress. Her hand wandered over the dresses and she picked out the light green shirt. She realised that Rohit liked that colour. Whenever she wore that colour, he would call her “My parrot”.

Why am I choosing my best dress? She asked herself. Why am I getting enthusiastic about meeting him? Am I splitting? Is one part of me moving away and getting out of my control?

She lightly applied rouge and repeatedly looked into the mirror. She knew Rohit noticed things the way Rajesh didn’t. The thought of Rajesh’s coolness brought feelings of irritation to her mind. Why can’t he be a bit like Rohit?

When she reached the hotel, she saw Rohit standing in the portico waiting for her. She remembered how about a month after marriage, Rajesh had told Sheetal that he wanted to take her out for lunch and that he would go straight from office to the hotel and that she should come there. And when she went, she had to go around searching for him till she was exasperated. When she located him, she found him sitting in a corner reading magazines.

Kuntal took Sheetal to a cabin in the restaurant of the hotel, looked up and down at her and said, “You are still the same deadly damsel.”

Sheetal said, “Mr. Kuntal, I thought I would briefly discuss certain important matters with you and push off.”

Kuntal looked at her seriously and said, “But we can have some grub together, isn’t it?”

“Sure,” she said and Kuntal rang the bell to call the bearer.

Chapter 4: Deathbed